As’salamualikum, i don’t know where should i start is & how come my instinct terasa nak sangat-sangat write down all over here. All that i know it’s killing me inside day by day selagi mana i simpan, and i don’t know where/who should i talk with.
I di besarkan in circle family yang memang tak pernah bahagia since i’m in primary school sampai la sekarang oh ya i’m now 27 years old. The problem is start when my abah which is my dad decide to get married for the second one.
Can u guys imagine it how worst my childhood times which is i need to see it by my own in front of my eye how bad my abah treat my mom. Dari sekecil-kecil hal sampai la besar. It’s more to about marriage abuse. My mom kena pukul, most of the time they both fighting again and again in front of their daughter which is i’am 3 from 4 sibling.
Since i kecil memang i dah belajar untuk being independent which is not really bergantung with my dad. U know what, i selalu cemburu everytime i tengok my childhood friends how happy they all with their parents.
Kerap kali sangat tiap kali i nak balik from my school i need to wait my abah to pick up me for almost 2 hours. Each day! And each day tu jugak my abah always scold me like i’m the one yang susah kan dia which is need to send me pick up from school bla bla. But hello that’s ur responsible right!
And some situation yang i still ingat sampai sekarang and that one yang sangat menyedihkan i *i’m typing while i’m crying now, pernah masa class fardhu ain ustazah ask her student untuk practise solat one by one in front her then bila sampai turn i u know what i nervous and takut sangat-sangat.
Which is banyak kali i tanya my close childhood friend, ‘awak, macam mana nak rukuk macam mana nak baca surah tu surah ni’, one of the reason because of my parents at home memang tak pernah lansung ajar anak-anak they all how to solat.. how bad my family right.
Then sampai la i besar i memang dah nekad which is i nak further my study far from my parents all that i know i nak run away from my parents which is i dah penat sangat2 facing they all punya problem. Same things was happen time i study dulu not too far actually, from kulim to sp just take around 2 to 3 hours something.
Every weekend my roommate/coursemate they all must be like really excited one to get back to spend their time with family but different with me. Tiap kali sehari sebelum weekend my roommate akan tanya i ‘minggu ni balik rumah mama tak’, and as usuall i akan cakap tak kot. Nak study. Since she just worried to leave me alone sebab kteorang time study hostel 1 bilik untuk dua orang.
And at the one time i terpaksa tipu and pretend like i will go back to my parent’s home but in fact not. But lama- kelamaan she smell something fishy with myself and dia tanya i ‘kenapa eh u jarang balik rumah ur parents’. Of course that time i macam segan nak story since masa tu we just in semester 1 or 2 kot if i’m not mistaken.
But then until few semester kiteorang jadi really close friend and dia pun tahu for all regarding my family situation so that’s why every weekend dia offer untuk i join dia balik. Honestly i happy sangat-sangat since her parents treat i boleh tak if i cakap it’s more than my parents..
So kalau nak cakap bab berdikari ni its blend well already dengan i. Time study i jarang sangat-sangat nak susahkan parents i which is tiap kali semester break i gigih ok finding for my own financial support. Even my parents is dalam kategori yang senang but i jarang sangat-sangat asking this and this from them.
That’s the reason i never get used to keep trust on lelaki. U know what i means since dari my childhood lagi i tengok how worst my abah treat mama i. That’s why people come and go inside my life since i was like not really interest to get know for more with them. Tapi sampai 1 masa i kenal with this one guys. A his capital name. Just know him within a short period less than a years.
Without love feeling for each other, just start from kawan on off like that and at the one time he ask me to get married. And all i can said is i’m the happiest woman that time. But everytime i teringatkan my family background i was stuck. And being down. I refuse to do so. Banyak kali i mengelat and giving him a lot of an excuse.
My feeling was mixing. Deep inside me i was screaming like i nak sangat-sangat to get married with him but every time i fikir history parents i used to reject him. I segan. I don’t know how his reaction if he know for more regarding my family/parents background.
He is really a man with pure heart. Tak pernah tinggal solat, background dari keturunan yang baik baik. Selalu drop by masjid everytime he’s free. And its being my mirror day by day, dulu i yang tak pernah jejak kaki ke masjid but after i know him i used to do it so. Sesibuk mana pun i dekat office i mesti curi curi masa untuk singgah there too and solat inside.
U know what pernah masa tu khamis malam jumaat kot, i macam teringin sangat nak pergi dengar talk or something like kuliah usually after maghrib kan. Then after isya i balik i taktahu yang my mom balik rumah i then my mom macam pelik since she looked at my face without any single mekap haha n im not looked so good without it.
Then mama tanya i with fishy face, ‘dari mana ni’, *i’m crying again guys. I terpaksa tipu cakap oh dari office banyak kerja tadi cuci muka sebab kena hujan’. But in fact i baru balik dari masjid. If i cakap i baru balik dari masjid of course u guys can imagine it that react. Sebab i pernah dengar and even inside quran pun ada tulis “perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik”.
I’m trying to be that one sebab i nak someone to guide me to right path. But Alhamdulillah. Allah temukan i dengan orang yang sebegini even i don’t know maybe it just temporary. If for temporary maybe asbab to change me to be the better one. I’m not coming from really a good family, but still my parents especially my mom is my heaven.. That’s why i want to build one.
I know how worst my family before. I want to be like that way. Nothing more that i want. I nak ada my own family, my own baby, my own story life, because if u can put yourself in my shoes, i was suffering since i’m kid..
But when i’m writing my story now, that guy tengah doing his umrah. I don’t know either he is the one for me or not. But all i know, i want to thanks to him eventhough i’m not reveal my name here. Apa yang i jadi sekarang is all about him. And inshaAllah eventhough we’re not mean together, i will be remain like this till the end. InshaAllah doakan kebahagiaan i will come later..
– IEKA (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit