Untuk part I, (https://iiumc.com/the-wife-the-actual-woman-in-the-marriage/).
Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah dearest all,
*Alert: This will be 90% in English for reasons explained below. Your empathy and understanding is very much appreciated, thank you. -Acik Tua @ The Wife*
This is not yet Part II and just a detour message to provide better context to avoid from further misunderstanding in this holy month. Sigh.
I need to get this out fast, hence allow me to write almost fully in English, otherwise it would probably take days to try to write extensively in Bahasa, with more misunderstanding arising.
I appreciate your kindest understanding and empathy. Believe me, the first entry took me about 4 days to finish, what with checking up the dictionary for the right words in Malay, and checking in with my kids if my understanding was accurate.
1) The truth is, BM isn’t my first language, but since joining Academia upon returning home, and wanting so very much to fit into the local Malaysian society, I try very, very hard to consciously use Bahasa as best I can.
I’m half British, my father married my Brit mom when he was studying in England, and I grew up there with my own nuclear family all through Grade school. My parents eventually decided to return to Malaysia in my senior year, but I continued my uni years several years later.
Besides, my grandparents and maternal family were nearby so it really is like my other kampung too. And, this was when and how I met my husband.
I somehow knew deep down that my writing would cause upset in certain quarters, which was why I apologised in advance that my writing could be “meh” to some of you. I still wanted to give it a go though, but I reckon I still have a long, long way to sound truly Malaysian. Sadly.
My husband likes to joke about it too, that I sound too bookish or legal-ish because at times it really is a hard-earned, literal word-by-word translation in my head, that goes on paper or screen, but God knows I try.
I laughed out loud at the lady who commented that it sounded like a legal document, and yes girl, you hit the jackpot. Mmg rugi sangat tak dibesarkan dengan Bahasa Malaysia as the “mother tongue”, I tau.
My worst nightmare (not!) and regret since forever, but as a child growing up, I don’t get to choose what I was exposed to.
Whatever the case, I am deeply sorry for any offense caused. There is NEVER any disrespect intended to the Bahasa Malaysia language, in fact, I would love to really sound normal and cool each time using it, but alas.
Bukan tak mahu, dah cuba dahlah ni, but obviously tak mampu nak melaraskan bahasa to some of your BM level sayangnya. Apa-apa pun, seperti yang I sebut sebelum ni, yang baik dariNya, dan yang silap serta khilaf dari saya juga. Mohon tersangat maaf ya semua. Huhu.
2) Haha, I also laughed my brains out when reading another remark that I must have written a PhD thesis! And, I also guling-guling-ed at the young lady who said if I were a Prof, she could listen to me on end, lol.
I joined Academia in a prestigious educational body (won’t divulge) for about 22-23 years now, and am currently a full professor, Alhamdulillah. Now, adik-adik or rather anak-anak yang still in uni, don’t go guessing who I am ya. Huhu.
Part of the mistake in my earlier writing (other than trying too hard to write in Bahasa that is) was being myself but in BM? And when I was being myself, I allowed the bookish, thesis-writing me come forth.
So, again, forgive me if anyone found my true-est self in expressing my grief and pain, while hoping that someone in need can truly benefit from it, to be condescending or offensive. That was never my intention, and is the last thing on my mind, ever.
Saya ulang kembali dengan sangat rendah diri, yang baik dariNya, dan yang silap serta khilaf dari saya juga.
3) Aside from reasons 1 and 2, I should also remind myself and everyone that I’m turning 50 just in a year’s time. So technically I’m not young you knowww (although people say I still look in my 30s because I’m petite hahahahaha).
And perhaps I’m the same age as many of the mothers of our majority readers or followers. I bet the ones unable to relate are truly the youngest in the demographics, and so, yes, the age and experience gaps are real!
My best and sincerest advice is if you only come back to find these notations of mine when you are older and in need of understanding of this topic. But, no no, not that I wish any harm on your end.
Like I shared, no one deserves to experience this, in an ideal world. Or, like I said earlier, you can always move alonggg if it isn’t your cup of tea. Kan? Life sharing of one person isn’t for everyone, no?
Part of the reason why I wrote and shared my “unique” experience is fully knowing how someone in my situation can be at such a great loss and lost (this is an understatement to be honest),
And that, to find helpful resources in Bahasa that can help give some kind of insight and perhaps assist is greatly scarce. Sangat sedih dan kasihan tau. I’ve long wished that I could start a free support group in fact, but to reveal my anonymity is not going to happen.
In contrast, there is actually a wealth of help out there, just not easily accessible, either they are mostly in English, with a very serious and academic tone to them (because the nature of the concern in itself IS serious and complex), or that they come with a cost and needs to be paid for for access.
But apa sekali pun, adik-adik dan anak-anak semua yang soleh solehah semuanya seperti I harapkan anak-anak I juga (boleh bold tak admin?):
Maafkan segala kekhilafan hamba okiesss (I belajar dari anak yang bongsu word ni kekekkee). Percayalah I nak sangat sangat sangat jadi Meleis. Halahhh halahhh.
Asal I cuba je berjenaka dalam BM kat tempat kerja pun kena gelak, tu belum lagi salah pakai peribahasa padahal dah google! Dah masuk 3 dekad dah I gigih usaha tangga kejayaan tau tak, but most of the comments prove that I still GAGAL huwargh.
Ai is sedih dengan hakikat ni. I kesian kat korang yang tak faham, tapi mohonlah lagi kesian kat Acik Prof ni korangs. Dahlah ada ujian dengan husband 5 tahun lepas. Tsk tsk. Sampai hati uols.
4) Okay serious balik, I believe there’s a misunderstanding too with the subject of “Affair Recovery” in itself.
Some people in the commentary (well may be one or two persons) are fixated on the idea that recovering from an affair means that you precisely recover from it within an intact marriage or that it’s done together to rebuild the broken bits of the marriage.
Pendek ceritalah, ada yang salah faham yang pemulihan dari kecurangan ni semestinya merujuk kepada membina rumahtangga kembali setelah dicurangi. Tak, salah tu!
If you’re physically sick and you need to heal with medications, then likewise, you can be emotionally ill and need to find every single way possible to heal emotionally. To heal from that emotional trauma and pain.
I mentioned in the earlier writing a very wise and true take-home message (one of many) from my online recovery group materials that every psych expert would attest to:
“Pain that is not fully transformed or healed will ALMOST ALWAYS be eventually transmitted into causing more pain towards yourself, or to others.”
This is key and mindblowing for me, when I first learned this concept. People continue to hurt themselves and other people around them for yearsssssss because of a pain that they never got over, and some even die bitter.
For example, a child traumatised during childhood, will continue to have issues into adulthood affecting THEIR personality, their life, and their future, thus hurting themselves and their own opportunity to free up from the pain of the past and truly grow! Kesian sangat.
So regardless if the final decision is that you part ways from your partner (that is, by divorcing) OR you stick it through together (by learning and working through your issues healthily and positively–bukan toxic) OR by choosing any other available alternatives (like option for Polygamy for one),
The one betrayed or traumatised MUST find her/his freedom from pain! So Affair Recovery techniques have been so useful for myself and so many in my support group because carrying a baggage of unforgiving-ness, anger and pain, is wasteful and robs yourself of YOUR greater future and potential.
Because, yes, life is too short to carry baggages, what more caused by other people. And, no, it’s not for that other person, the beauty of that gift of freedom that you get is primarily for YOU. You don’t get to choose what fate hands you, but you do ultimately have a choice in healing from it.
In fact, you’re responsible for that healing if you love yourself enough no matter the marital outcome! Kalau dah bercerai sekali pun, you owe it to yourself to heal from the past and regain your freedom from that pain. Okay sorry, ter-rojak balik, ampunlah.
And, by the way, 15-20% of those in our support group now, are or have opted for divorce, BUT have gifted themselves the freedom of forgiving and healing in moving on separately, with a consciously calm and “happy” state, and clear conscience. Another term for this is “conscious uncoupling”. Bolehlah google hokay.
In retrospect, I supposed this is what true Redha is for us Muslims:
To be content and happy with His decree upon us NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE and especially if they’re hurtful, InsyaAllah. Tetap hadiah pemberian dari Allah SWT tu kan? Mungkinkah Allah SWT membuat kesilapan? Fikir dan hadam.
5) And last but not least, I also specifically wrote that I have no intention to disclose the actual details of what happened to me because that wasn’t the focus of my academic sharing (Yes, academic! I tulis kot “perkongsian ilmu”).
But surely every experience or marriage for that matter is different, and there are so many variables causing and leading to whatever, so I won’t dare overgeneralise.
And, I suggest others should do the same. My sharing is narrowed down to the perspective of The Wife, especially in the context of “what happened” to her or them in light of an affair.
FYI, my variables must surely be different than another wife’s, but generally speaking, what is caused unto them is pretty much the same bloody process! Oops.
It’s my mom’s fav word when she gets rattled. And that’s where I wish I could shed some light and support where possible, as well as trying to say a thing or two to the partners and The Other Woman. Kapish.
But if you must know, it was an emotional affair online and he has never even physically met nor dated this Other Woman by the time I found out (about 7 months in) because she’s a foreigner who lives in another Asian country, and I have enough proofs lah, but that does NOT discount the trauma and pain at all! Not a single bit, at the time.
Especially when emotional connection was what I mostly need and crave as the typical wife, even if we’ve been married and “in love” for decades.
I continue to be the baby-manja-type of wife with my husband, so dah tua pun tak rasa like tua when I’m at home or with him. Intimacy pun takda kuranglah sebab aku bukannya tua sangat punnnn at 44, sekarang pun okay lagi dowh.
The other lady is ill (yes we did verify this to be legit later) and suffers from a mental health disorder due a childhood abuse/trauma that she experienced and never got over for decades. Ironic, I know!
And, somehow my “feminine” (aka lurus bendul, and yes one commentator made a very intellectual guess), mid-life crisis of a husband who’s highly emphatic and great at rescuing people feels heroic and compelled to help this individual, and had promised her a Polygamous marriage before consulting me.
He was actually buying time to carefully explain to me that it’s something that needed to be done for the best of human intentions lillahitaala, and he earnestly thought I would be understanding. Orang matang serta berilmu kannn katanya, sedih.
Suami yang sejenis begini (category feminine) memang boleh terlalu lurus dan takda foresight langsung on consequences or worst case scenarios.
He honestly anticipated that I’d be initially hurt, but that I’m above that and would eventually be receptive to the idea for a good cause. Dah 24-25 tahun menyulam hatibudi oso cannot tell, gosh.
Tapi tulah juga, “the downsides” menjadi seorang yang sangat berempati tinggi dan sentiasa suka sangat menolong manusia (sarcasm to myself).
Even so, in some ways, I feel “blessed” that there was a cheating variable involved to have made this possibly sincere intention still a wrong one, since the end doesn’t justify the means. But that’s another story.
6) Cop cop, ni joke, but ada yang kata Bahasa Inggeris I banyak salah tatabahasa, now that’s the first considering I’m a native speaker of English, hahahhaha. Tapi well, anak kena faham ya, even native speakers make mistakes because their internal grammar is what they’re used to.
Sebagai native speaker of any language, kita tak belajar grammar demi untuk bercakap, so kalau salah pakai bahasa dari kecil, dan tak diperbaiki in time with experience and interaction, maka salahlah juga even if bahasa kau yang punya.
Okay, geek. But masalah BM aku tu betullah, again, maaf ya nakkk for my terrible BM syntax, please refer to above points for my humble excuse. If only I can share this with my adult daughters, mesti dorang gelak gila-gila. Okay, kidding.
Well thanks very much for all the reads and comments, and most especially the doa’s. This I truly, truly need and appreciate.
But jokes aside, I still do have mini triggers, so kepada yang benar-benar sampai rasa luahan hati yang jujur ini, I sangat menghargai. I embrace your kind words with tears from yesterday’s painful memory. But sekejap je, so don’t worry. I’m good and am free from the pain of the past now Alhamdulillah!
Acik pada asasnya seorang high EQ dan happy-go-lucky sebenarnya (I had amazing parents and an awesome childhood!!!), walaupun bila time academics dan melibatkan perkongsian ilmu Acik akan auto serious-mode, so jangan risau. I’m winning this for my and His sake.
To those who have given me hugs and positive feedbacks, thank you for being able to read my earnest pain, as difficult as it was to be transcribed into words. In Bahasa pulak tu!!!
Welllll, masalah Prof-prof ni memang sejenis kena tulis berjelaaaaaaaaaa sorrylah okayyyyyyy. Sumpah panjang jugak. Not sure yet if I’ll get the actual continuation out because I think my BM officially SUCKS, thank you so much for the honesty.
IF I were to write in English, I worry that would cause another uproar. Some of you can be so mean and judgmental, goodness. Nasib I sejenis tak melatah. So we shall see.
PS Amboi Prof, mentang-mentanglah PKPB, kemain share kat sini eh. Btw, I’m really a fun and beloved teacher to my students in real life you know, but sekarang dah tak banyak peluang mengajar sangat pun. Shhhhh. Kbai.
Love and best wishes.
– The Wife (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit