Hai, I am 30 years young and working in a professional line. I will go as Betty as my nickname.
I married young, back in 2013. I was 21 I think. I will not go into details why I married such at young age, during studies.
People did mention “perkahwinan ini ibarat perjudian. Menang atau kalah”. If your spouse is a good person, then you won a jackpot. You lost if your spouse is a bad, terrible person.
But this is not how I felt. I felt my marriage is a total scam. Why?
How do I begin the stories with? I will just start with a text I received from his mother stated his son is ready to have kids, ready to build a family. Another question was asked to me “Are you ready to have kids?”
My replied to her;
“Every problems has 2 sides of story. And this is mine. Your son wants family, kids. Agree, and I never tell him I dont want kids. Apologies beforehand, please understand this as fellow woman, as a mother to her daughter, but the truth is, the consummation never happened to me.
I know you will be shocked by this. 8 years back, I did try to initiate the consummation, and lead the process, but it halted in the middle of the night.
I still remember my husband just stop and went to bed. but I took it as he was very tired from all the wedding preparation and no further questions asked.
Again, I tried. I prepared myself and “request” to my husband for our first night. the room was dark, and I asked him “can/shall we do it tonight” (i hugged him from behind), he did not turn to face me, just brushed me off “Im sleepy, I want to sleep”
This is the 2nd time i initiated the whole process and again- Rejected.
That night, I asked myself “is this normal? we are still youngbloods, virgins, newlyweds, we should have the desire to make love every day..
But, he never apologies for this nor explaining to me. He acted cool and nothing happened after that night. And never asked me if im okay.
in fact, since that night, after being rejected twice, i faced my own trauma.
its like whenever my husband tried to touch me, every part of my body contracted, my heart beats fast.
my brain shuts down. My heart became numb. It changed to a loveless marriage.
8 years are too long. Did I seek help for my trauma?
NO. I dont know to whom shall I seek for advice. Too embarass to tell my own family and to protect my husband’s dignity (in case he is not physically/emotionally unfit). I kept this for 8 years. Alone.
And kept myself preoccupied with my career. I did well on that! I can win an Oscar for made my life is a perfect life with him.
Did my husband know I felt rejected?
I did tell him the incidents happened, what made me become so defensive, I even refused to hold his hand or let him hold my hand – the fear of being rejected again, but did he understand my trauma i faced? I doubt it. Remember this, married to a narcissist man and your life will suffer.
They dont have empathy. They in denial. They gaslighted everyone especially their spouse/partner more. They play victim. They never apologies. They never feel wronged.
Only last year I managed to tell the whole story to my husband’s psychiatrist,
(Oh, initially he went there for his panic attack/general anxiety disorder but I was informed by the specialist borderline personality disorder / MDD cannot be excluded. Many examinations have to be done to come to a conclusion).
The specialist, she understood my trauma well. In fact, she said it is normal for me to avoid/refuse for any physical intimacy due to my fear of rejection, but to save this marriage, she did ask me if i am willing to go to sex therapist for help.
YES, my husband also on board with this(initially).
Her planned was, prior to that, my husband’s condition must be examined first and she will help to refer for thorough examimation. If all is normal, then she will refer us to one of the psychiatry that handle/specialised in this area.
I dont know if my husband already went for physical examniation or not. He never told me anything, in fact he never told me when his next appointment to see his psychiatry.
He didnt even tell me he has appointment with a psychiatrist. It was an accident I saw his appointment card and only then he told me.
Did I try to have him talk to me regarding his mental health?
Yes, i did ask him how his progression.if his mood is low, he will not answer. or just simply “entah la” “tak tahu nak ckp mcm mana” “you apa tau” “you tak faham”
If my husband is being open with me regarding his own problem. I will listen to him. but instead, I was pushed away. what should i do? True, we lack of communication.
We dont how to communicate again, therefore i am willing to go for counsellings & therapies, and I dont know what exactly happened, suddenly he told my parents he made his mind to end this.
But to tell the truth, I did tell him once “jom kita bercerai. I cannot live with you anymore.Lets go live our separate life happily”
He wanted things to be settle as fast as it can. He told me to tell my parents first. Its either I break the news first or him, but i suggested we should break the news together, sit together the six of us(us and our parents) and tell them the real issue.
My husband refused it and decided to talk alone. Why? Why is it so hard to end this with maturity? Why did he has to sit alone with my dad, and badmouthed me in front of my father?
Because he is a narcissist remember? By throwing out words “betty refused to consummate. We never had s*x. Not even once.”
TRUE. I did refuse. I refused because I fear of another rejection.
Being rejected ONCE by your own husband at young age, at the early year of marriage, it can cause a big trauma.
Maybe to him my trauma is not as big as his mental health issue. but i was also suffered in that marriage.
Perkahwinan ini ibarat ladang pahala, tapi kenapa rasa macam susah nak buat pahala. At that moment, I can only ask help and His guidance to show us what is good and what is bad, protect us from any more heartaches and tremendous stress.
I think I will stop here, and I will continue another one in part 2.
Thank you for your time reading this confession.
Part 2 will be on how the divorce process went and his true colors are finally exposed.
– Betty (Bukan nama sebenar)
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