Hi everyone. I am not as experienced or as matured as most people on this site, but I was deeply moved by a previous post made by a 16 years old girl who talked about her depression. My confession will be more like a rant actually, and I don’t really mind kalau tak dipost oleh admin atau banyak respons from orang. I just want a place to let it out.
From my appearance, I received lots of compliments from people about how ‘peramah’, how ‘nice’ I acted. Its not like I am trying to deny any of them, but honestly, I am not all that bright inside. I am an extremely emotional person, who cried so easily just because someone said something normal like “You’re kinda loud”. I care so much about how I looked like infront of others that its taking a toll on myself.
Okaylah, jom rewind to 7-8 years ago, when I was still in primary school. I was that girl in your class who you and your friends would jeling from time to time and laugh at me when I did something normal like accidentally knocking off a classmate’s water bottle. I was that girl you and your friends continuously took advantage of, because you know she would never ever rejected you because she needs a friend. I was that girl the teacher always target, eventhough other people in the same class did the same thing. I was that girl who you and your friends stalked on Facebook and screencaptured every posts she made so you can post on a private page where you can umpat her all she want. Even teachers were plotting against me, like berhentikan I jadi pengawas when usually others would sambung sampai darjah enam. Bila my parents datang sekolah, she told them “Ah, sebab nak bagi peluang dekat murid lain”. Habistu, saya seorang je ke cikgu,? Bagus gila. Sampai darjah enam, I got 5A in my UPSR, and I was really proud of myself.Bukannya nak angkuh, tapi bagi saya, peranan seperti “guru” dalam hidup saya memang tiada kesan yang baik. I only have bad memories with them. Ingat tak cikgu yang selalu target saya tu? After I got down the stage lepas ambil result, suddenly she hugged me and said “Ini semua berkat saya selalu marah awak dalam kelas, kan?” sampai harini ayat tu terngiang-ngiang dalam otak saya.
It wasn’t like I was bullied physically but it was mentally exhausting for an 11 years old girl, you see? It continued for another 2 years but I told no one, I don’t want my family to worry about me. I am the oldest among my siblings and even my cousins, you see? I was always at the top of my class, always so prim and proper that everyone thought I am very happy.
Fast forward to last day of primary school, I walked home alone with no friends beside me. Ingat tak, how semua orang suka conteng baju kawan kawan and sign la, kononnya nak buat kenangan? Well, saya tak ada kenangan macam tu. Kenapa? Sebab takda siapa minta la HAHAHAHAHA (sedih pulak lawak ni hm) Surprisingly, I walked home with a smile on my face sebab…. Finally, my hell is over.
Before masuk sekolah menengah, saya tekad nak ubah diri sendiri and just be myself around others. Taknak kisah dah apa orang fikir, taknak simpan sorang sorang, taknak buat buat baik dah. Serious. Alhamdulillah, I got into a good school (quite famous tbh) and on the first day, i made a friend who I would say, is one of the few people who are the sole reason why I am still holding on to my life (I’ll tell you why later). My secondary school life was something cool and something i am proud of although it wasn’t as cool as other people’s. It wasn’t like your typical high schoolers on tvs life, I never had a boyfriend, or have any kind of relationship like that ah, senang cakap. Those times were special for me because I finally learned what the word ‘friend’ meant to me.
Okaylah, sekarang dah tahu serba sikit background hidup aku kan (oklah sekarang pakai aku, so i feel more comfortable…ok?).Kan aku dah cakap, orang sekeliling aku adalah sebab aku still hidup harini? Panjang dipendekkan cerita, mental aku tak sesihat orang lain. Aku tak tahu ah apa masalah aku, depression ke, anxiety ke, bipolar ke, but I always know there is something wrong with me. I am much more sensitive to my environment than others do, my mood change rapidly from good to bad easily, I hurt myself lots of time, I used to bite on my wooden pencil till it broke because I was so angry about something, And one time i used to get called to counselling room because through a test yang dorang cuba detect personality student tu, it shows that I am unstable(?). I used to sneak around and drank half bottle of ubat batuk just so I can force myself to sleep sebab I didn’t sleep well for 4 days.
Well, it can’t help sebab I do have some family problems, and I usually gets verbal abuse from my family members almost every day of my life haha. My family used to call me ‘gila’ too when I showed symptoms depression before. Biasalah, orang melayu kan? They called me ‘mental’, ‘budak tak guna’ and all those shits. I heard all kinds of curses thrown at me and patutnya dah lali, but it still hurts. They don’t call me that anymore, but I do have that kind of symptoms, and it is just that I stop myself when I am around others.
Sekarang ni dah masuk universiti, aku teruskanlah berlakon baik depan orang. Waktu first ice breaking pun semua orang nak baik dengan aku. Aku happylah, banyak orang nak kenal kan? (disclaimer : aku popular dengan perempuan je) tapi kan, dah lama lama, bila aku dah start buat assignment, dah mula kenal dengan dorang, satu satu start tinggalkan aku. Alasan? Sebab aku ni jujur sangat. Sebab aku ni baik sangat. Sebab aku ni annoyingly pessimistic when it comes to myself. Aku pun taknak ada sifat annoying ni tahu tak?Aku pun tak faham kenapa aku ni jadi macam ini, sedangkan aku ada semua yang aku perlukan untuk hidup.
Anyways, Kau tahu ke perasaan bila kau tak boleh tidur malam sebab kau overthink sangat sangat? Nak makan pun tak tenang, jantung sentiasa degup laju, even the sound of my wristwatch right beside my head is making me feel nervous. Do you know how it feels when even the sound of people talking in the background makes you drowsy that you just feel like running away? As much as I crave love and attention from people, they have always been the scariest thing to me. They hurt me the most, but I keep doing things just so that they won’t leave me alone. I was left alone, I know how it feels to be alone, I don’t want to experience that anymore. At night, before sleep, I would recount everything that happened to myself that day and whenever I think I did something bad, I would knock my head over and over against the wall (only when my roommate is absent) or sometimes when I get too frustrated or upset, I would bit my lips or cengkam my thighs till it left a mark. Suicide attempts? Once I climbed the stairs to the highest floor of where I live and imagined if I can just fall from there but I was too penakut for that. I sliced my skin where people can’t see it like my thighs. And sometimes, I even took it out on my family members or anyone around me (probably the reason why ppl left me) and whenever someone told me that they don’t like me, I can’t even be surprised you see? Because I hate myself too.
I really want to love myself like everyone’s been telling me to, or stop blaming myself for everything, really. I want to be normal like all of you do. Is there even any way that can help me?
– akari
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit