I was depress, more than 5 years to be exact, and this is a story on how I fought my internal enemy, depression.
Prior to the depression, I was working for almost 4 years, had great life, great friends, and basically there are no reason for me to be depressed. Or there was actually problems, but I never address it properly, and and all of sudden my life had change.
I think maybe because I was at my limit and it was too late. No one knows that I had depression. Honestly, I don’t even realise too. Till I unable to function, I can’t do anything, and as a result, I lost my job.
It was very dark time, the only thing I feel every single day was death. I cried every single day not knowing why, but the feeling was just there, lingering on my poor soul. I hate myself. I was on medication for many-many years. Nothing actually change.
I shut myself from the whole world. I don’t have social media, and my routine everyday was the same. Sleep at odd hours, wake up in the evening, have quick bath, eat not a proper meal, and sleep again.
I totally depends on medication, if I don’t eat it, I feel like my head gonna explode in any second. Death is the only thing I think every single day. Honestly, my memory of those days was so haze. It was so dark.
The Changes is in You…
One day after few years of struggling this endless loop. I decided to went to a mosque. Yes, a mosque. I was on the brink of my death. I do believe at that time I almost dead for real. I went to the mosque, and just spend my time there, and I cried and just cried.
I talk to Allah, and told Him everything even I know he knows everything, but I just talk to him and helplessly I cried for help. Then, the prayer time came, I take my wudhu, and Solat with others. Honestly, I can’t remember what to read in the Solat, but I try my best. I start to feel a difference, a good one.
Hence, since that day, I just spend every single day, as much as I can in the mosque. I was unfunctional, and that is a very small step and its actually lead to a bigger step. I never think about wanting to change or anything religious. I was there in the mosque because I can’t live anymore. Honestly, I don’t know why I went to the mosque, but I think, I was seek the Lord Most High.
The only I thing I think was, S.O.S.
Ya Rabb, Help Me!!!
Then gradually, I add more positive thing in my lifestyle. At first, I just went to the mosque, and I start to pray, even its not perfect. Then I read Quran even just one or two verse per day it would be enough.
I bought a Quran translation and bring it everywhere with me. Just one or two verse a day, as long as I engage with the Quran. Sometime I just read the translation, but need to always be consistent.
Then, I start to do Sadaqah (Charity). Honestly, I don’t have much money as I was jobless, but I know that any act of kindness would do, even RM 1 or feed the helpless cat or pray for others will do. I do believe Sadaqah has a great healing power for the soul.
When I’m not in the mosque, I will spend my time listening Islamic Lecture in Youtube. Mostly by Yasmin Mogahed and Merciful Servant. If you can afford, do sign up for programme such as Being Me, Al Maghrib, or AlKauthar. I did, and I found it so beneficial for me.
Other than that, I also exercising and eating healthily. Despite I don’t feel it, trust me, after you finish exercising you will feel better as when you exercise your body release endorphins which will make you feel good.
When ever I go for a therapy/counselling session, I will go with an open heart. I try to do the assignment given by the professionals even sometime I feel it doesn’t make sense. Just open up to others even it is difficult.
After I have done all this, honestly most of the time, I don’t feel much difference. I was depressed remember? Nothing actually work. But, I keep doing it gradually every single day, even my heart was in pain, my soul was crushing, but I trust Allah, I fully relied on Allah.
After 8 months doing everything above, I start to heal. I start functioning. However it’s not 100%. I start to applied for job, and after 6 months, I was succeed. And after I start working, I would said I finally in good state.
To the depress soul out there, you are not alone, please don’t ask people to understand us. Trust me, they don’t, and they won’t. They not in our shoes. Their test is not the same with us. Trust me. Forget them.
But focus on you. Focus on changing yourself from within. I was there. Honestly, I don’t think I will recovered at all, but at the very beginning, when i talk to Allah in the first day of my journey, I put my full reliance to him, and to him only.
Indeed Allah will not change the conditions of a population until they change what is in themselves. [16] Qur’an 13:11
– Rose
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit