I am not mad at god for creating me to be someone who is not (pretty, smart, talented) and have no confidence. Nor my parents ofc! Aha, if I was them, I would’ve wanted a child that is totally the opposite of me. And to be frank, I am so sorry that I won the race. Um… I’m sorry that I always make you guys feel sad or if I always make u guys feel disappointed in me. Sometimes, I do wonder what I exist. The reason Im here. The reason, He, created me. I mean, look at kakak tho, she has everything. She has a lot of friends, friends that she can rely on, friends that she can laugh with, hang out with, friends to look ugly and slay together, and ofc, friends whom she can call her second family. Also, she has lots of talents, decorating? Designing? Public speaking? Storytelling? Speak in 4/5 languages? Sports? Make friends? Cooking? Looking good in both camera and real life? Lol, you tell me what she’s lacking. Literally, all the good and pleasant things that you could ever think of, she has them. And me, on the other hand, I have nothing and legit bad in everything.
She’s so pretty, tinggi, gigi perfect, putih, badan slim, brilliant and all….. Too much for me to list em out. And im not. Until now, my brother still says that im “hitam” and will gladly remind me on how ugly i am compared to her. Kannnnn, my own brother.. My dad once said this as a joke but words cut deeper than a knife and the wound is pretty deep.. He said “oh macam tu kena sorok kakak from your friends” > bc my brother said that his friend hid his sister from his other friends as she is so pretty and he didn’t want his other friends to flirt with her. I mean, how could u say such thing dad :( u have 2 daughters… What about me… lagi time tu during dinner, so i just stopped right there and then. Masuk bilik, nangis. No kidding, terasa. My mom would tell me stories betapa ramai guys yang nak ‘try’ kakak and brag about all of kakak’s achievements to me. I mean, wow im impressed. And sorry, no story to tell you, cause so far, no one, ever yang teringin pun to hit on me. But its okay! And a guy once said how ugly i was infront oh his friends and they just laughed away… and my cousins also pernah cakap “asal u lain gila dengan your friends sebab macam tak blend in” , “srs lah they’re your friends? Macam tak sesuai je” , “lawanya your friends, why u tak like that?” “Slim nya diorang, and look at you” Those were also another stupid “jokes”… Apparently not for me…
And speaking of that, Im not good in making new friends. & I’ve never felt beautiful. Not even once. I don’t even need to mention about feeling perfect. Lol, lagi lah tak pernah. Impian to become perfect tu ibarat semut nak jadi dinosaur. Haih, I wonder what it’s like to be and feel beautiful. And one thing that I hate the most is when ppl compare me with someone. Wanna know why? Bc I’d feel really bad for the person. S(He) must’ve thought that they look ugly or bad. But then hun, not to worry, you’re beautiful. They just want to do a little comparison and make me the ugly one and you, the beautiful one. So chill okay.. Hiks! :)
Honestly, bila fikir balik, that’s the main reason why I became like this. Im not pointing my finger to anyone, but instead, I blame myself for being this way and for letting them (society) to make me this way.
I also need someone whom I can share my problems with. Someone who’s willing to lend me their shoulder for me to cry on. I did try to share my problems with someone bc I’ve seen her giving advices to her buddy. She listens to every word that the person says and always comfort that person. Well, maybe things don’t apply the same on me? She did hear my problems but she never listens. Not even an advice was given by her. Other ppl, they use the problems that I faced or currently facing against me. Haha. Maybe I’m the most pathetic person on earth as at the end of the day,I comfort my ownself. I’d hug my bolster and imagine as if someone is hugging me. I would tell myself, you’re strong and don’t worry too much about it. It has come to a certain extent where crying myself to sleep is like my daily routine.
And one more, my last complain.. I have no best friend. Tu yang really affect my life. My sister has three best friends yang macam so close sampai our families boleh lepak together, boleh sembang lama macam tak rasa awkward. Best gila kot seeing how they grew up from primary school, pergi high school, masuk U and now my sister is even married and tengah preggy. Best gila bila tengok they hang out and gelak je memangjang. Okay lah Im not that bad lah, okay, I do have a friend yang Im quite close with. Eventho we seem close, but the sad truth is, we are not. Langsung tak. I do appreciate her existence but if I was to call her my bestie, I’m sorry, I can’t. We never talked about this but im pretty sure she feels the same way. Can you imagine, I dont even know what her fav food is, her fav colour, bla bla all the things that will let us participate in the “boyfriend vs best friend challenge” cs i know nothing about her hahahahah haih….. We don’t even share our problems. Unlike others. Our interests are completely different. I like to shop, tengok movies, make up, and so on.. And she doesn’t… Like if hang out pun, we don’t do much lol. Balik pun awal. I always feel bad bila enter beauty stores or even clothing stores, so , we end up makan and walk around. That’s all… Not bc she tak mampu or smtg, but she has no interest in them. And I dont do sports, and she does so if ada anything related to it, dia jadi excited and we will not be involved in it together. I mean, okay my fault i should try to change bla bla tapi macam if basic interests pun tak ngam susah lah :( im not saying kena sama, but if ada satu dua pun dah okay… Haih…. Sometimes, kalau ada big news pun i tend to hear from other people. Not from her.. I mean, usually, I should be the first or second person to know kan? But nahhh…. Yang tak suka tu bila there will be times when we will feel awkward with each other. Idk macam like theres nothing for us to talk about yang macam moments like all u wish to do is to run, away from the awkwardness. I mean, im not saying yang besties kena borak je 24/7 if jumpa. Boleh je lepak sambil main phone tak cakap, sorang tengok tv, sorang main game. Boleh je… But do they feel awkward lepak camtu? Tak kan? Haaaaa we do…. Not just me lah, my close friend pun, sebab bila dah takde idea tu, and duduk diam, buat hal memasing, i can tell from her face yang dia tengah puas duk fikir apa nak sembang. If ada pun, benda sama, again and again and again…. and i know it’s very rude and selfish for me to say such thing. But it’s the truth and there’s no point of me to lie about it. Oh yeah, and this close friend of mind sebijik like my sister. Dia ni pun haih, good in everything!!
Maybe god created me to make both them stand out when we are together.. Bc, ppl would never imagine that we’re siblings or we’re close friends without us having to inform. That’s how different we are. I mean, stop with the “everyone is beautiful in their own way” I am not. And I acknowledge that. I’ve never went through a day without feeling insecure. Never. And it sucks. No matter what you say, like, “no it’s not true” , “you’re perfect in your own way” , “it’s just a stupid thinking of yours” bla bla bla, no matter how hard anyone tries to comfort me, they can’t deny that all the bad things that I said about myself are indeed correct. In fact, the more they try to comfort me, the more painful it becomes and it hurts like hell. I mean, how can you be that great, ha kakak? Ha kawan? u guys are always one step ahead of me and knowing that, sucks. But then, I don’t care if I look like a piece of trash and you two look like a beauty, as long as you live your life happily. Pfffft, ofc I am always jealous of them bc kakak got all the good traits from our parents and i got the bad ones! And she is in the same age as me! Unfair!! Lol But what to do…. Reality sucks kan? I know. I just hope that I will not become a disgrace to you, kakak and my dearest friend. You guys have no idea how much I look up to you! I love them so much okay!!
But tu lah, the more I think about it, the shittier i feel. Think about it, at home it’s kakak. At school, it’s my close friend? How pathetic. Am i really a disappointment? Haih, why is my life so hard? And why is my life like this? Why? Why?
But now, day by day, i try to be more positive. I take this as satu ujian besar for me. Whether or not, I am grateful enough for all the things that I have. And now, i don’t question for the reason anymore. I live bc He wants me to. I live to devote myself to Him. He will never test someone beyond what (s)he can handle. And i do believe in that. Last but not least, dear Allah, thank you for everything. I cant be grateful enough for all of this and I will try my best to be the best that I can be. Not just complaining and do nothing about it.
Remember
You’re a failure? Keep pushing!
You’re not smart? Study! Gain more knowledge! Create more experience!
You’re fat? Work out! Live healthily!
You’re sad? Cry! And lift your chin up again!
You’re mad? It’s alright! Be mad! But it’s never okay to let the feelings to take control of yourself! So be careful!
You’re happy? Share the happiness!
You’re feeling not worthy? Don’t be!
You’re not loved? God loves you!
What im trying to say is, no matter what state youre in right now, be positive, look at the bright side. It’s okay not to be okay. Just keep moving and strive for the best. You can do it! I can do it! *sending positive vibes to everyone right now*
– :)
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