This is a story about a zit.
Okay, more like a bunch of zits.
I was lucky to be born with a fairly ‘ok’ skin. I’m not super flawless. Obviously. But I’ve never had serious acne breakout until it hit me at 21 years old. I thought I was mature enough at that point to handle the situation. But I thought wrong. You know, since primary school I’ve always had insecurities with my physical appearance. I was the awkwardly fat and tall kid who had no self-confidence. When I entered college things started to slowly change. I’ve met a bunch of crazy people and learned how to worry less of what other people think about me. So when this acne breakout hit me I thought it wouldn’t bother me that much. I thought I am smart enough to know my physical appearance does not equal to my self-worth. But the problem is, my heart choose to not listen to my brain.
When the breakout happened, my face was the ONLY thing I thought of. “How can I make it better? Do people talk about it? Can I cover it with makeup?” I REFUSED to go out from my house without make up. I didn’t look at people in the eye. I avoid facing people directly when talking to them. I felt as if people were treating me differently. But to be fair, it was probably because of my strange behavior. I was giving the ‘don’t talk to me/don’t look at me’ vibe. I tried to keep myself together as much as I could until I had to go on a vacation with my family. I didn’t want to take any photos and getting ready to go out was annoying. Everyone else in my family didn’t have to wear makeup so I was the only one who took a lot of time getting ready. It was so stressful. I tried to cheer myself up by focusing on things around me. I was at a new place after all. So I did take a bunch of pictures, just for me to look at later in the future.
Everything was fine until my sister decided to share my photos from the vacation in the family group chat for everyone to see. I was not comfortable about that but I didn’t say anything and keep myself cool. But one comment led me to my breaking point. It was from one of the family members. I know he was just pulling my leg because he knew I was struggling with an acne breakout. He decided to comment about my face. So at that moment, without my willingness, the comment got under my skin. I lay in bed for a couple of HOURS just to let myself calm down. I cried and slept the pain away that evening. I felt so helpless. I thought I was in control of my feelings but no. My brain knows it’s just an acne breakout. My brain knows it shouldn’t get under my skin. My brain knows that moment will pass. But my heart just couldn’t handle the pain. I was fragile. It was something I’ve never experience before. Extreme insecurity. Nice skin was the only thing I’ve ever had. But I lost it. I lost a blessing from god. I’m not trying to exaggerate here when I say it was TERRIFYING. I felt like a different person, I didn’t enjoy my life, I couldn’t enjoy anything! I felt as if there’s a devil sitting right next to me all day long. Telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit. It’ was horrifying.
I’m glad I’ve overcome my severe acne problem. It could have led me to something even more serious. If that moment didn’t pass, I could have fallen into the pit of depression. SO the reason why I wrote such a long passage about a bunch of zits is because I want to send a message. Something that might be obvious for some but I’m going to say it anyway. The weight of burden that you see someone else is carrying is ALWAYS amplified for the person themselves to carry. Their problem might seem trivial to you. YOU probably could laugh about it, and they probably laugh it off in front of you. But your toxic comment can and will slowly seep into their brain. They will eventually believe what you’ve said. Joke or not. I’ve always go by this mantra “if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all”. To those who can’t keep their mouth shut when other people is in pain, you would probably want to keep this quote in mind.
– Emma
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