as the white snow falls
memories ran wild
back to the place I used to be
where the rain falls
like tears from the heavens
but here the tears are frozen
showering down from high above
white and fluffy
to cover the dying trees …..
it’s good when tears are frozen
keeping the sadness away
and wait for the sunshine in the spring
to warm the land again
and happiness returns to greet again…..
When mother died,I was in Florence,Italy. I never regret my absence because I have said goodbye to her long time ago. Even before my journey to Italy I went home and sat by her looking at a person that could hardly recognise me. I kissed and hugged her because I knew that would be my last moment with her.I let her go because I could not bare to see her living lifelessly. Why must our love story end with a blank stare on each other ? As if all of our memories together had been wiped off. Life is so cruel to teach your son with such a brutality for failing to repay your love, care and support. We sat silently , as always,trying to recall the time when we last met. The time when you called out my name for a quick meal before leaving the house after a holiday.The time when you always update who has been doing what around the kampung. The time that will be lost for eternity. I knew you were always proud of me, telling my friends all my successes and my big job in KL. I am proud of you too, mak. You were good in your small business that you had and good with your friends and people around you.
Mak, you raised the twelve of us with the best of your ability. Although you never finished schooling, your children have all travelled to the far away lands to gain knowledge for a better life. We were poor but you never made us feel poor or neglected, one way or another our request for a new pair of shoes or a new baju Raya would be fulfilled. I could see you were in pain when tears came down your cheeks but did not understand the reality of your sadness. I sat beside you and held your hand tight so you knew I was there. I was a small child but the sorrow remains until today. You were too vulnerable to burden such a difficult life. The strong support from Ayah had helped us through the rough times but we were happy, didn’t we mak? I always looked forward for your return from work, it was late afternoon but for me it was the beginning of the day. The time when we all would come together and had sweets and snacks that you brought home from the market. The 20-cent pocket money had all been spent at school so I was a bit hungry by the time you came home at 6 o’clock. You raised us well, Mak!, don’t worry. I wish I could do more to reduce the pains and suffering that you experienced later in life.
Mak, I am in a faraway land now; the place remote in the mountains. I also wonder what and why am I doing here. I am looking for something ,that’s for sure, but could not figure out what. Usually you would tell me what to do with your simple analogy but for a long time I have not heard that. Now that you are gone, the sound of you disappeared forever. All of the sudden I feel guilty although I know nothing could be done to stop you from leaving us. All I have now are memories of us together sitting around talking about my life at school. It was long time ago but remain my favourite past times.
Mak, you worked hard for us all and now it’s time for you to rest in peace. The worldly life had been unfair to you so I hope you are now in the best place among the best people…. Allhumma firgh laha war hamha wa’afiha wa’fuanha.
I miss you, mother.Good bye for now.