Salam sejahtera semua. Pertama sekali, terima kasih saya ucapkan kepada pihak IIUM Confessions sekiranya artikel saya ini disiarkan :)
Nama saya Shiseirra, berumur 19 tahun, seorang yang introvert, shy, have low self-esteem & survivor of childhood bullying.
Last year, selepas menerima result SPM saya melanjutkan pelajaran dalam field saya minati iaitu Administration but then dropped out of it because of depression (not academically but socially).
I was so disappointed with myself. I let go of the course I really love. I let go of my dream. I let my parents suffer from the embarassment of having a child with the ‘uni-drop out’ title. Saya tahu parents saya sangat kecewa & sedih even though they didn’t show it.
Selepas quit universiti, saya kembali ke rumah & a month later was diagnosed with anxiety, panic attacks & depression. Apa yang saya lalui selepas quit memang hard to be expressed through words only. It was horrible.
4 months later, saya ditawarkan untuk melanjutkan pelajaran dalam bidang sains. I didn’t want to go sebab saya tak nak melibatkan diri dalam bidang sains anymore.
I have my own interest which is Administration & Management. But, everyone around me starts pressuring me to accept the pharmacy offer. In the end, saya accept offer tersebut dengan hanya 1 tujuan iaitu to lessen my parents embarassment of having a drop-out child that does nothing in community. Walaupun depression saya belum pulih sepenuhnya, I went to register for the course.
Then, 2 weeks later, I dropped out. AGAIN. Because of the same reason as before. I am back to square one. At home.
Sekarang, saya tak tahu nak buat apa. Saya takut saya akan quit untuk kali ketiga if I start something again. My parents & family dah tak percaya dengan diri saya yang selalu quit.
Saya jarang keluar rumah, saya takda kawan tempat mengadu & saya tak rapat dengan relatives.
Saya cari kerja tapi saya perlu fikirkan kos tempat tinggal dan other needs & I didn’t get jobs that can guarantee all of that using only my SPM qualification.
Saya adalah definisi untuk ‘loser’.
On top of that, I suffered from 3 mental illness. Saya akan panik bila berhadapan dengan orang & anxiety saya causes me to have no friends, which means no connection. No network.
Saya pernah dibuli semasa kecil. From 8 until 12 years old and then berlangsung as verbal bullying sehingga saya tamat SPM.Fortunately, I managed to get outstanding results in UPSR, PT3 & SPM sebab bak kata satu satunya ‘kawan baik’ saya, ‘you don’t have any friends that’s why you got those results'(I was really hurt when she said that but saya diamkan diri & senyum).
I am socially inept. I know it. I can’t work in group. I don’t know how to play any sport. Tapi, saya tak nak salahkan sesiapa. I know it was my fault for being so weak and this weakness is what causes keadaan saya sekarang :)
Saya harap readers terutamanya teen readers boleh ambil iktibar daripada cerita saya :)
I really don’t know what I’m going to do from now. Saya harap readers boleh beri advices.
Sekian. Terima kasih.
– Shiseirra
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit