Hi. Sebenarnya saya dah pendam masalah ini untuk lama sudah. Sekarang saya dah tak larat. I need advice. I cant talk to family or friends because they tend to be judgemental. To begin with, i’m the youngest child and i’ve 1 elder sister.
My family is middle class family. Parents love marriage but soon after get married they had so many problems and wasn’t in good term since i was young. So i think when i was 2 or 3 my parents separated kejap so they lived separately.
And this one time based on what my mother says my dad came over to my mom’s place and actually forcefully brought my sister who was 7/8 years old to his place.
My mom pun selalu cerita my father side tak jaga my sister well, selalu pukul masa dia ada kat situ. And then somehow they manage to get together but never in good terms since then.
Everything was fine but i always feel my whole family somehow prioritise my sister more than me. When i was at primary school, saya sangat gemuk dan tak la make up ke apa so boleh dikatakan tak cantik la. Compared to my sister she always jaga badan and cantik.
So once i went to my sister’s school to pick her up with my dad when she was 16 years old and i was 10 years old i think. So saya pun masuk la ke sekolah kakak saya cari mana dia.
And bila saya jumpa dia, she straight away chase me and said “don’t walk beside me because i’m embarrassed of telling you’re my sister infront of my friends”.
That thing really hurt me to the maximum. Until now i can’t move on or forgive her. Saya balik bagitahu my mom tapi dia buat tak endah.
Ada sekali bila saya muda lagi saya terkoyakkan ke cakar gambar kakak saya but my mom made big fuss and pukul saya cakap saya jealous dia cantik. But when my sister did the same thing to me she didn’t even bother.
Even during any festivals my sister will always get more expensive things. My sister not a top student but i was top student always. I always get straight a’s in school.
But if any relatives or friends say to my mom that i’m smarter than my sister, my mom will always back up my sister telling i go tuition la my teachers good la that’s why i can excel. But if they say my sister is prettier than me my mom never backed me up.
Then when i was in standard 6, my sister got selected for national service. On the day we need to send her, i had some special seminar for upsr so i couldn’t join. My mom was so angry and beat me terribly. Its not even my fault.
Somehow after spm she managed to get into teaching course and i got straight a’s in spm and wanted to pursue medical in overseas. But my mom never allowed and always tell the reason is haven’t get placement for my sister so she don’t want to spend much for me yet.
But luckily i got full scholarship and able to complete my medical degree in government university.
So my sister couldn’t attend her graduation because she got chicken pox. Of course everyone was sad but it was unexpected. What can we do.
During my graduation my sister just delivered her first baby around 28 days old. My parents never even bother to spend time for me to get my graduation dress and stuffs.
Even on my graduation they keep telling its very sad that my sister don’t have graduation experience. I feel like i was not appreciated. I guess i was the only one who cried and sad during graduation.
My graduation photo also they never hang on living room because they said my sister would get hurt.
Lupa nak cerita satu lagi. I got myself i bird as pet when i was 22. I became overly attached with him because he was like my only companion.
He passed aways within 2 months and i got very depressed. Masa itu memang suicidal semua. Ada ambil ubat. Lepas few months, i beli lagi satu parrot.
And immediately whole life changed. He started talking and he became my everything. So masa follow up dengan psychiatry, dr sarankan beli lagi parrot so saya tak attached dengan 1 sahaja.
But end up saya ada 11 ekor tapi sekarang 5 je hidup and i memang overly attached dengan semua.
But my pets, i tak pernah minta duit ke or kacau my parents for that. I do everything for them. Biasalah ada pets so i tak la keluar bermalam mana mana. So my mom always blame my birds are the reason why we cannot go vacation.
So this pilih kasih thing has been happening all this while till recently last year something serious happened and my life changed totally.
I’ve to drive like almost 50km to and from to my workplace. Got 1 day my car wiper rosak, and i work night shift and it was raining heavily. So saya minta my dad’s car untuk bawa ke kerja.
My mom straight away said “cannot, if u go accident the car who will pay for it”. I don’t know what was the intention but what she said hurt too deeply and until now i cannot be in good terms with my mother. It always trigger me.
Dengan masa itu my crush just declared he has girlfriend and this thing happened and one of my bird suddenly died and all this triggered back my depression. I attempted suicide but soon i realised it was wrong and went to hospital.
It was so intense sampai i terasa sangat and saya pergi beli kereta yang lagi besar dari kereta ayah saya. Yes it was impulsive but till now saya bayar and never asked my parents help for that. Itu pun my mom never shared my happiness with my new car.
Masa itu dr suruh admit but i didn’t because i’ve pets at home. When i cerita all this to my mom, she said don’t tell anyone about this. And then suddenly she told everything to my sister without even my permission.
Oh lupa nak cakap, my parents everyday ulang alik rumah kak saya sebab jaga cucu.
So technically i live alone in house. Even when i was depressed, they never bothered. Memang saya duduk tormenting menangis seorang tapi my mom always end up comparing why orang lain tak ada depression. Bukan saya nak dapat depression.
Saya cuti ke kerja ke memamg saya balik rumah tak ada orang.
But if coincidentally my cuti fall on weekend and if i go out with my friends my mom always kata dia tak dapat keluar mana-mana tetapi kenapa saya happy keluar. Asalkan dia tak dapat cuti ke apa sebab jaga cucu. Bukan sebab saya.
Kalau kakak saya keluar mana-mana mak saya tak pernah kacau. Siap jaga cucu lagi. Tapi kalau saya nak keluar dengan kawan saya mesti dia buat hal atau bising nak ikut. I really cannot tolerate this anymore. I really don’t know what to do.
I try slow talk with my mom but end up she will always compare and either shout or will say i overthink. Its quite clear. I feel so unwanted and lonely in my whole family. How should i overcome this?
I’ve been suffering for almost 28 years. I’m 28 this year. It’s really breaking me mentally. I’m so exhausted. Tolong bagi idea how to overcome this. Thank you.
– Teddy (Bukan nama sebenar)
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