Once A Victim, Forever A Victim

There’s so many violence cases lately. It was so scary.

I wrote in English to prevent people from knowing me, due to my writing style.

Call me Nemo.

At the tender age of 4/5 years old, I was a victim of se***”l abuse. Someone close enough.

He was much older. Everytime we play together, he will ensure that we got time alone.

I was so small that I know it is somehow wrong,but, I cannot say no and I cannot tell anybody. I had no idea of what was right and what was not.

He used his f**ger, he used his m**th, je asked me to satisfy him. Just never did he pe**trated me directly.

I continued until I started having my menses. I tried hard to run from him each time and finally it stopped.

In the mean time, I started to have child play with another one. We play husband and wife and have no idea that, we were not supposed to do that.

I didn’t realized that it would cause bigger problem, addiction.

It never came to me that I was addicted until I grew older. I remember having the urge but never understood what did I feel. I remember being a bedwetter even as I grew into teen.

What made it worse, I’ve been mol**ted multiple times on the way to school by an unknown guy in the dark because I went to school alone. I can still remember his face the second time he did that, he turned his face to me and smiled.

Disgusting. I even got disturbed by two elderly man on my way back from school, in bright day light.

I continued my life as a good, quiet, introverted student and succeed to further my study.

Then, a man started to enter my life. We declared ourselves as lovers. I was so to the moon. Then, slowly, he taught me se***al things. I didn’t even realize it will get se***al.

He started flirting, using his voice to flirt. And somehow, ot triggered the feeling that I suppressed for so long.

I failed. I got into his possession. After the first time, I refused. Because it was not successful. But, he started to threatened me, that he will tell other people about my history.

Yes, I trusted him enough to share my bad experience. I was a fool to do so, as he used it as my weakness.

He threatened to tell and that he will kill himself. I was so scared that my family will found out, so, I surrender. It was a start of a hell.

He tortured and asked for me everytime without asking my permission. I had became his personal s*x slave. He will just brought me anywhere even near the rubbish room, staircase, his house. Just name it.

I was so desperate of finding an escape. I cried, I prayed every single day and night. Asked to God to make him stop. To even kill him or even kille.

Somehow, my prayer was granted. I got treated for depression. I lodged police report, but the police didn’t take any action because they said it will caused me my reputation.

It was a very difficult road, but, I succeed.

However, I started to think of my self worth. Why is this happened to me since yoing till adulthood? It keeps happening.

I fell into depression and anxiety. I overdosed, cutting myself. O got treated again as adult, because I started to think aboit marriage.

I feel.worthless. I feel disgusted to my own self.

Time passes. I started to get better. I started to think about getting married, as I grew older. I tried to get to know people through social media.

It was very difficult cause I cannot trust them. I keep acting weird too. I was desperate for attention yet I cannot trust them.

Then, I got to know another man. I have no idea why. I trusted him enough we talked on WhatsApp only. Slowly, he started to talk about sensitive topic. I tried to avoid but I guess, it never leave me..i was still addicted.

I just don’t realized. But, the conversation never get into intimate topic much. Just superficial. So, I assume we are both serious.

We keep talking about plan of getting married. So, I trusted him. I put my trust after so long.

Then, it came to the time for us to meet. I once again, failed to protect my self. He pretended that he needed to visit my house. And being the fool I am, I allowed him inside.

I assumed he wanted to sit and just talked. But, as soon as we enter the house, he hugged me.

I was stunned. But, I remember the warmth. The feeling of being loved by someone, while you already lost yourself worth. You thought that you can be loved again

Then, he started to k*** me and ot turned into much more than just that.

It happened for three times, then he stopped coming. I still thought je was just busy. We still contacted each other, until one day, I realised, he will never come again. I was his victim.

I am still on going treatment. I never tell.my doctor the latest issue. My doctor knew all my history. If she knew about this one too, I am pretty sure she will just see me as stupid.

Yes. I am stupid. I was hoping a kind man will appear to save me from my darkness. I forgot how Allah had helped me few times and yet again, I failed.

I became a victim, than let myself became a victim again and again. I kept meeting the wrong person, because I myself is not a good person.

I remembered my doctor once said, there are higher percentages of a s***al abuse vixtim to become a victim again in the later years. And it happened to me, like she said.

I understand why intimate relationship os only allowed after marriage. Because it will cause an addiction, and you have to be very strong to fight the feeling. It is not easy at all. And I still struggle.

I have no idea why I started sharing. Because, this is my biggest sin, deepest secret. But, I hope no one will become like me. Letting herself to be victim again and again. Being stupid.

I am still scared of people walk from behind. I still feel the urge. I still wish for someone to love me and helped me get through this. But, I am not putting any high hope anymore. No one deserves a woman like me.

I will only met bad guy, because I am a bad.person too. Happy family life will never be for me. Please, pray for me. That I will be able to stop thinking about that feeling. Help me to love myself and not hoping for someone else’s love.

No one should ever experience what I experienced. Please take care.

Once a victim, the memory will nver fade. It stays on you like a cancer with no cure. Never ever start.

– Nemo (Bukan nama sebenar)

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