Rest Well

4 tahun dekat luar negara itu rasa heaven sangat. Sebab I tak kenal sesiapa. I dapat bina hidup baru. And there were little people yang truly concerned tentang I.

Assalamualaikum. Hi. Apa khabar?

Confession ni tak bermanfaat sangat pun so boleh skip and baca confessions yang lain haha. Tapi I tetap nak tulis jugak sebab tak tau nak luah kat siapa? And I kind of nak get everything out of my chest once and for all.

Sebelum tu, I minta maaf sebab tulis panjang-panjang dan tercampur bahasa. I tried my best to make my points clear.

I membesar dalam keluarga yang dysfunctional. By 6, parents I dah bercerai 3x. Kiranya, I tak pernah ada memori my parents hidup sekali under the same roof. It was either rumah ibu atau rumah ayah. Initially, I thought it was normal tapi as I grew up, I faham yang they could never be together lagi dah.

And then I kena pilih nak stay dengan siapa. I sayang both tapi sebab semua siblings terpaksa duduk dengan ibu sebab sekolah apa semua, I pilih untuk duduk dengan ayah. I tak nak ayah rasa lonely. To me, my parents are the best. They just had issues that I wouldn’t understand as a kid.

Cuma I sedih la sebab terpaksa berpisah dengan ibu and to be honest hubungan kita orang jadi renggang since then. Bila jumpa siblings yang lain pun rasa awkward. Tapi I tak menyesal dengan keputusan I sebab ayah meninggal 4 years after.

Sepanjang duduk dengan ayah, I boleh nampak la how messed up his life was. Makan tak terjaga. Rumah tak terurus. He was a busy man. I tolong la jugak buat kerja rumah tapi tak tau la hasilnya makin sepah ke makin kemas. Faham la kalau budak mengemas rupa dia macam mana kan.

Then berlaku konflik berebut hak penjagaan I. Ibu risaukan about my wellbeing tapi ayah tetap nak jaga I and proceeded to fight in court. Ayah kalah and the agreement was I had to live with ibu during weekdays. Ayah boleh ambil I untuk stay dengan dia for the weekends je. I sedih sangat. Fikir ayah makan apa. Tidur okay ke.

I memang selalu tunggu hari last day sekolah sebab I tahu ayah would be there waiting for me. Until one day, he didn’t fetch me from school. I knew something wasn’t right tapi I takut nak call ayah. 5 hours later, ada orang datang rumah, mintak pack baju untuk pergi rumah nenek sebab ayah dah takde.

I refused untuk percaya walaupun I tahu the news was real. I tahan air mata. I buat beku. Until I nampak sendiri jenazah ayah depan mata. Baru I menangis sampai hidung luka. Mata merah macam apa. I sedih. I rasa macam nak marah semua orang.

Did I hate my mom for separating me from dad? Yeah, kind of. Dulu la. Sekarang tak dah. Moving forward was terribly difficult. I kept questioning, kenapa I yang kena hadap semua ni? Kenapa my parents? Kenapa my family? Kenapa parents I kena gaduh? Kenapa my siblings cold sangat? Kenapa I lahir just to witness semua tu?

Since then I terpaksa belajar untuk survive on my own. My best friend (read: ayah) is gone. I didn’t feel connected to my mom, let alone my siblings. My dad may be dead but the education he gave me stays until now. I belajar betul-betul sebab nak dapat scholarship then sambung degree luar negara.

4 tahun kat luar negara tu rasa heaven sangat. Sebab I tak kenal sesiapa. I dapat bina hidup baru. And there were little people yang truly concerned pasal I. And sampai sekarang, I memang suka berhijrah ke tempat asing. Explore bandar baru. Somehow, those foreign places felt ‘home’ to me.

Selain tu, I jadi perahsia, pendiam, not interested in other people sebab I rasa there’s nothing interesting about me. I jadi susah nak percayakan orang sebab I rasa my past is very heavy to share. I pernah kongsi dengan orang lain about my issues and most of the time, it didn’t end up well. I scared them away. So I hidup dalam bubble I sendiri for quite long. I’m 26.

Then I met this guy. It took me years to open up tapi dia sabar je. He was the kindest guy to me thus far. Actually, I tak kawan dengan ramai orang. Kawan lelaki apatah lagi. But he has his own issues. He suffers from anxiety. Initially, I fikir we would be alright. Sebab bagi I takde orang yang sempurna. And apa makna cinta kalau ada problem sikit dah tinggal. Kan?

Tapi I tanpa sedar jadi partner yang toxic. It took me a breakup to realise that. Since young I tak pernah rasa safe, rasa belonged, rasa grounded, rasa settled, rasa satisfied. So I turned into a perfectionist. Itu cara I dealt with life. My life before was ruined, so I won’t repeat the mistake. I nak semua benda lepas ni elok, sempurna.

What my ex did was never enough to me. How do I explain, I nak dia jadi watak yang boleh buat I rasa safe apa semua tu. I nak dia jadi ‘lebih’ lagi daripada I. Sebab I nak life yang stable, so I kerah both of us to work hard. I tak nak live like my parents. I kind of ignored the fact that ex I tu ada anxiety. Sometimes I paksa dia buat perkara yang beyond his limits. Jahat kan I?

Other than that, I urged dia untuk cepat dapat kerja, dapat build life dia sendiri without depending pada family. Padahal growth takes time and everyone has their own timeline. Tapi I just- entah.

Nak kata I tak sabar tak jugak. Cuma I susah nak rasa convinced. I tak boleh tengok dia tak buat apa-apa sebab I dah terlampau biasa jadi sibuk. Sibuk baiki life. Sibuk prepare for the future. I hidup dalam ketakutan.

And then sebab I dibesarkan dalam keadaan yang serabut, I jadi a natural problem solver. Pantang ada masalah sikit, I mesti akan come up with a solution. Jadi bila I commit to that relationship, I nak selesaikan semua masalah dia. Kadang bila dia cakap tak perlu masuk campur pun, I akan sibuk jugak. I tak boleh duduk diam.

It went on until I became exhausted. With myself. With the relationship. My ex was never the issue. Tambah pulak, I lost a dear person to me at that time and study got difficult. So I jadi depressed. The depression was a door to my self-discovery.

I penat dengan diri sendiri. I had running thoughts. Mimpi kena kejar, lari berkilometer tapi bila bangun berat tak turun pun haha. Bila I cakap dengan doctors, listened to a lot of podcasts, read many books, I realised apa masalah I. The trauma from my childhood. My childhood shapes me as an adult and I projected all of my insecurities/fears dekat ex I, surrounding I.

Tanpa I sedar, I macam mintak ex I untuk resolve the trauma by providing me things I couldn’t have as a kid. Padahal I yang patut resolve trauma tu sendiri tapi I pun tak tahu yang I ‘sakit’ and have a deep slash of cut to heal until the relationship was over.

Sejak I tahu pasal ni, I mintak maaf banyak-banyak dekat ex I. I mintak maaf sebab selalu buat dia rasa ‘kurang’. Sebelum ni pun I selalu jugak mintak maaf but it hit different when I know the truth. It’s like selama ni I hidup dalam gelap, not knowing what the issue was but now, I can slowly work on the problem.

Ex I pun matang sangat. When I asked to break, dia terkejut. It was messy at first but eventually dia sendiri faham. Dia sendiri tahu yang dia pun ada masalah and needs to work on his anxiety. We weren’t ready for a relationship pun sebenarnya. We weren’t ready for heavy responsibilities. We were far from ready to get married. Separation was the best for us.

I dah tak boleh rely on him to make myself rasa okay and happy. I dah tak boleh fill the hole within me with anyone’s presence until I recovered. I tak boleh ignored my past.

I kena confront my trauma. True, what happened in the past isn’t my responsibilities tapi I’m responsible with how I gauge my present and future. I tak nak my present or future rosak disebabkan diri I sendiri yang tak overcome the trauma.

How do I recover? My prominent issue was loneliness. Sejak ayah meninggal, I takde tempat to confide in. I tak rasa connect to my mom sebab I assumed dia tak sayang I and lagi rapat dengan siblings yang lain.

Jadi bila I kenal ex I tu, I terus consumed his presence macam drug. Dia sendiri pernah tanya, tak penat ke you tanggung semua masalah sendiri? I macam, I don’t even know how to ask for help.

Bila I opened up to him, I jadi clingy. I jadi dependent on him. Kita orang macam takde emotional boundaries. He had access to what I thought, what I felt. He was my best friend after my dad. But similar to my dad, he made me feel safe emotionally but not physically. I tak yakin dia mampu buat I rasa ‘selamat’. I tak tahu nak explain macam mana :c

So bila I break, I completely avoid any rebound relationship walaupun I rasa sunyi yang melampau. Kadang tu I just mampu tenung diri sendiri depan cermin then borak dengan diri sendiri haha. Sweet apa.

Seriously, where did I go when I felt lonely? The answer is sejadah haha. I need my Lord like ice/ecstasy now. I need to be addicted to Him. Lagipun, He’s the best listener. Kan? c:

Second, attachment. I sebenarnya crave kasih sayang from my own family. Tapi, dia orang semua kahwin awal. Before that, kita orang semua pergi boarding school, belajar luar negara so takde masa nak bond. I tak habis sekolah lagi, dia orang dah jumpa spouse masing-masing. So I rasa macam left out. I pun rapat sangat dengan ex I tu.

Losing him was difficult. We are cool now though, kawan macam biasa. And I pun ada support dia on his recovery. Cuma I dah pandai draw boundaries between problems I and problems orang lain. And I know well that I can never change a person. Bila I faham and pegang konsep ni, rasa aman hidup.

Tapi tipu la kalau I cakap life terus okay lepas breakup or when I found out the solutions to resolve my trauma. Whenever I rasa sedih ke apa, I akan sibukkan diri dengan workout. Best. I pergi jog ke. Try resipi baru. Pergi skate scene haha. Signed up kelas piano. Macam tu la. Get to know new people. Tambah kawan.

Bukan tambah pasangan! I only get to know new people bila I dah okay banyak and rational. Masa I depressed tu, I mostly spent time with myself saja sebab at that time, it was myself who needed the most attention and care.

Then I identify apa sebenarnya roots to my trauma. Safety. I tak rasa safe sebab I selalu risau kalau parents I gaduh. Rasa belonged. Sebab I selalu kena ulang-alik and pindah-randah sebab ayah. Tak pernah stay satu tempat. So I betulkan balik mindset/subsconscious by repeatedly telling myself that semua orang yang I jumpa or bakal jumpa are not my parents.

They are their own individual. I tak boleh sama kan dia orang dengan orang yang pernah buat I rasa sedih. I tak boleh fikir yang they will cause something bad. I kena believe in humanity and most importantly kena yakin yang Tuhan ada untuk jaga I. I fikir what happens later will be dealt with later.

I tak boleh hidup dalam possibilities yang everything will turn sour. Tugas I adalah buat yang terbaik dan bersangka baik pada Tuhan. Susah especially when I felt anxious tapi I take it slow.

Then rasa belonged. This one, I approached lain sikit. I started to build my own life last year. I live independently. I sewa sendiri. I hias rumah cantik-cantik sampai I rasa rumah tu is my safe haven.

I banyakkan keluar rumah, see new places, meet new people tapi at the end of the day, I rasa excited nak balik rumah sendiri knowing how peaceful it’s gonna be. So I rasa belonged in my own place. Simple as that.

Faham tak feeling buat movie date dengan diri sendiri? Dengan lampu malap, tengok movie sedih, ada kucing kat sebelah. Romantik habis. I cuma tak suka scented candle sebab tak percaya kat diri sendiri. Karang terbakar rumah payah pulak.

Then I worked on relationship with my friends and family members. I buka ruang untuk semua orang especially my siblings and mom. I luah semua benda to ibu. I nangis cakap I lonely. Cakap I was hurt. Ibu peluk sambil nangis and cakap dia pun rasa bersalah and setiap hari makes up for her guilty by making prayers for me. I maafkan semua siblings yang pernah buat I rasa sedih.

I cuba jadi friendly dengan siblings walaupun kekok ya ampun. I cuba reply status whatsapp. Gurau sikit-sikit. I suka bad dad jokes. And I realised they were as lonely jugak. Especially my sisters. Lepas I opened up to them, baru I nampak dia orang pun sunyi. And sekarang hari-hari I kena tadah telinga dengar dia orang mengadu.

Kemudian, I focused on feeling/ getting better. I revamped my wardrobe, improved skincare routine, be good at managing financial and others. In short, I make peace with my past/ fears/ insecurities.

I do accept them tapi I dah tak project them on anyone. I no longer blamed my parents/ family for who I was. I looked deeper and realised that everyone was trying their best within their own means.

And most importantly I terima takdir yang Tuhan dah atur. Then everything will become peaceful. You’ll fall in love with yourself more, you’ll start to appreciate yourself more. You’ll no longer crave human’s attention as you, yourself alone is enough.

But that doesn’t mean I tak nak kahwin. I nak saja ada partner yang boleh layan perangai pelik I. Yang boleh say yes bila I ajak pergi camping depan rumah malam-malam because why not? Yang boleh teman tengok movie thriller. Yang boleh snap me out of my thoughts. Yang boleh hafal al mulk. Ha kan dah. Gurau je. I pakai jeans straight cut saja you.

I kadang tu rasa jugak insecure bab jodoh especially bila tengok kawan yang lompat pagar sama-sama kat sekolah dulu dah beranak dua haha. But I know I’m still healing.

And to be honest, I tak ready nak ada anak. And I betul-betul yakin yang jodoh dari Tuhan tu is the best. I tak nak tersilap langkah for the second time. Paling penting, I harap I tak kahwin until I betul-betul rely on God. And takkan sesekali ganti Dia dengan mana-mana manusia.

Anyhow, if you’re still reading this and think I kuat, I positive. I was none of those. Sebulan I terbaring atas katil. Tak boleh tidur. Kena ambil alprazolam just to make me feel less anxious. It was one hell of a journey. Dalam sebulan I ada multiple appointments with psychiatrists. Kesihatan I merosot sebab stress, dapat bacterial infections.

Until I tanya diri sendiri, sampai bila? Sampai bila nak macam ni? No one can save you but yourself. And I slowly got up from there. If standing is difficult for you, then take your time. Take your time until you feel better.

I baca buku Reclaim Your Heart, The Happiest Woman In The World, and Josh And Hazel’s Guide To Not Dating during my recovery. Each book tu ada lesson dia sendiri. Last one is about accepting yourself and finding a person who truly can accept you as a person.

Lagu pulak, I selalu dengar Sasha Sloan c: Movie pulak, I tengok kartun saja mostly. So nothing interesting. If you don’t mind, boleh la suggest kat I perkara-perkara di atas. I nak baca/ dengar/ tengok c:

Takut sebenarnya nak confess sebab sistur and brotha kat sini semua garang-garang haha. Thanks eh. Take care you. May we meet with Ramadhan. Aamiin aamiin.

– #1295 (Bukan nama sebenar)

Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit