Mohon ampun post ini saya bertutur dalam BI saja nk luahkan something je…
Well i remember it all, every detail, every piece of information that there's to it. Now all i can do is just sit down enjoy few flashes of it if there's any that came up. I know it wasn't entirely her fault, wait I think it was never her fault. She just pleaded for time but i pleaded for a rush. Not to say that she's the one that got away but i believe it me who let her slip and go away. I never stopped loving her or thought of her. Flashes of her face, her smile, her eyes still hit me. The feeling is like a drug to me; it's addicting but its bad and hurt me. Till now and this very moment I still do have feelings for even though that I moved to another phase and she seemed like she's happy with life partner that made a picture of them like a match made in heaven. I kept saying and thinking to myself, could I ever had any chance of being the one in that picture or it was never going to. I questioned and questioned myself but it all end up in dust.
The story of her started back when I was in my first year of degree. It was during the short semester period which i opted not to take. That granted me a 3 month break fortunately. I knew her way back from my time in the foundation studies. I had one class with her but unfortunately it was the only class that I was going to be in the same class with. I never mentioned to her that I took opportunities to have a glance and a peek at her during classes. I never approached her as that time I was lacking the confidence and heart for it. We only talked once and that was in front of the lecturer's office waiting to do the replacement quiz and that was it.
I graduated a semester earlier than her but thought of her never left my mind. No remedies was found or able to diminish that cloud that appeared every now and then. Then I found out that a close friend of mine had her number. So i envisage an opportunity that arise to get acquainted with her. He was kind enough to pass me her number but with condition that I don't pass it to anyone else. Even after getting her number, I still had problems on how to approach her. Then the bulb lights up and an idea was generated. Back then I was heavily involved with music, played in few shows and followed one band around being their groupie. That band had a song that was about a boy who had feelings for the particular girl but never had the guts to approach her and ends up alienating himself from her. It was the perfect song that described every inch of my feelings of the situation.
So I asked for a little favor from my friend to tell her that someone wanted her to check out the song but never mention who it was or the name. Then i texted her out of the bloom and just said 'hey'. Her response to my texts were surprisingly positive and she actually showed intend of indulging in long conversations. Then one night she managed to connect the dots between the mystery person and the song. I guess I made it obvious. Don't know whether it was on purpose or slips of the tongue but well she found out the culprit behind it. I thought from that moment on, I was going to be deserted by her. I just left the conversation awkwardly that night. All sorts of thoughts went through my mind at that moment and it wasn't anything positive. I end up just switching off my phone and do something else to take my mind off it.
The next day I poised myself to text her and act as if nothing happened the previous night. I didn't put my hopes high for a reply let alone a conversation. Then it came to my surprise that she didn't just reply, she conversed with me and we just carried on from where we left off. I can't describe the amount of joy I had every time I text her and making her laugh just puts the smile on my face and made my days. I never want the moment to end. We texts till the both of us are counting sheep and it was like that almost every night. My feelings for her grew day by day and there was not a morning which I failed to wake up and had her own my mind and to just wish her 'good morning'. It was the beginning of something beautiful in my life.
When the new semester commences, we continued the routine. Though, just texting and occasional "Hi's" at the campus was not enough for me. I never wanted the title of 'text-buddy', that was never my intention. I wanted to be her man all along and willing to do what ever it takes for it. So I asked her out one evening after her class. It sorrowed me a bit when she seemed reluctant to go and would only do if her friends came along. I understood so i chose to let it slip and not make a big deal out of it. So I went to pick her and her friends up after their class. I was nervous in the car while I was driving. I kept looking at the mirror to make sure that I look presentable and good enough if not perfect. Upon arriving at the meeting spot, I composed myself while waiting for their arrival. Then, the front passenger door opened and there stood the girl that I've dreamed of was about to enter my car. For a moment, I can't believe that it was actually her. She was wearing a dark green baju kurung. She shined in that dress and her face was still displaying purity and freshness even at the end of the day. My tongue was tied for a second there. I just whispered to myself "you're so beautiful". Then we went for a little sweet treats. It went smoothly and it was good. I had fun and a great time. Just wondered if she was.
From there on, we got closer and slowly i felt the spark between us. I thought she was ready, she seemed ready. We shared everything together, talked about everything and I was happy and overjoyed every time she shared with me about her problems, frustrations and stress. I tried doing my part of comforting her as much as i can, make her laugh. Anything to make her feel better. We were going out together (just the two of us) more often. Spent time together more than i ever imagined or expected. She was the jewel and pearl of my heart. I loved her. I really really loved her. It looked like it can go on forever. Well it could have, if I didn't give up on her, threw away faiths of being with her. I lacked the patience. The all essential patience for time to wait for her doors to her heart to open for me. I knew myself it was slowly opening and eventually it would. Well that was what my friends said. I couldn't take and swallow the harsh reality of just being 'the friend' especially after all those frequent late night talks on the phone, hours in the library studying together, conversations with her mum and aunt. I felt that it should've been more, it should've. But it was not meant to be. I decided to walk away. To cut my losses and move on. Even when all my heart is still for her. I forced myself to try and forget her and moved to another phase with someone else while my heart was not ready for it. I don't blame her. The root of the problem leads back to me. I admit it.
Now in this new phase of life. I wish her all the best and happiness. I hid and compressed my feelings all these years. It's time I say it out. Thank you for the sweet memories. I'll never forget it. Just remember one thing "don't look or compare with others, you are who you are, just enjoy your pavlova with that smile on your face"
Thank you for your time…
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