Am i doing the right thing?

Salam alaiykum.
Thanks to admin and those who read my confession. Please give your opinion about this matter and I’m sorry for using english language when I’m not so good. Forgive me for this. So let me get straight to the point.

I’m an ordinary girl who loves fashion but hate makeup, who loves workout but hate running, who acted tough but such a cry baby inside. Who acted like a mature woman when in fact she still watched Shin Chan every week. who believes in first sight love and who has her own definition about the world. Who believes she can dream big so that she can achieved that dream. Because of this kind of imagination, I never fall in love. Not even once, I never wavered, never take a second glance on man. For me, I just need to fall in love once in my life. This is my only weapon, to make sure my heart is alive. To make sure I don’t depend on people as how I depend on Allah. I’m a woman after all, who will lose quickly when it comes to the matter of heart. This is my only weapon to survive so that I’ll never lose in my own direction in order to find my way. Why? Because I’m still crawling in order to know myself, what I want and who I am? That’s why I really care when it comes to relationship before marriage. So that I have no one to compare to my husband when I get married. Because he’s the only one who will come in my life, so he’s the best. That’s my kind of imagination.

But no matter what, as I grew older, things like this will approached me. But I still stick to my way, not giving a chance when it comes to love. But somehow, I’m the one who got attached to someone. I’m the one who fall in love, silently for 3-4 years. I didn’t show it at all, never try to know him, never try to dig his past and his present, never exchanged glance or even smile at each other but still, the feeling just won’t vanished. For 4 years, I just keep loving him or maybe you just can say that I like him for several years. I know nothing about him, nothing, don’t even know how his voice sounds like. I feel close to him but there’s still a doubt. Of course there is when I know nothing about it. That’s how human are.

As I knew more about him, I found out that we actually shared so much things in common, but never realised about the existence of each other. I don’t even know he’s my schoolmate who used the same building as me, who played the same sport and lived at the same place as me. I just know the fact that he was my schoolmate. That’s it. As my age is approaching the era of marriage, I gathered my courage and confess to him. At least this burden will finally gone. I’m prepared to be rejected. I’ll try to accept things calmly no matter what his decision. So I did, and as I predicted his answer is quite long, but the things that I remembered the most is “ believe in Allah. Keep praying if you think this is the right thing for you. He will show you the way, not me. He will show you the right thing at the right time”.

I don’t know how to explain or understand his words. Is he rejecting me nicely so that I won’t get hurt too much or he asked me to wait? Or, he don’t know too. Don’t even know what he felt because this confession is so sudden. Of course I didn’t contact him at all after that. Not because I ashamed of myself but because I think that was the only thing that I can do. I’m not confessing in order for him to feel the same, fall in love with me and be in a relationship. That’s not my ‘niat’ from the beginning. I’m confessing so that he knows, there’s someone out there who like him. Maybe he can consider me when he’s choosing his bride to be. That’s all. Just in order for him to know, that’s why. Who knows, he might don’t even know who I am. That’s why I took the decision to confess to him.
To make my heart feel calm and finally redha with everything, I performed solat sunat istikharah. Few days past, no sign, no hint for me. I started to hesitate, is he the right one? I keep doing istikhrah and one day, I dreamed about him. Nothing much, he just smile at me and hold my hand. As someone who has her own imagination world like fairytale storyline, I don’t know how to interpreted this dream. Is this just my dream, a sign or because it’s my feeling? I just don’t know.

Am I’m doing the right thing? Am I wrong by confessed to him first? Is that wrong? And am I doing the right thing now? I keep saying, I’m okay, nothing bothered me, Allah will show me the way. But deep inside, I still hoping that he is the right one for me. Sometimes I cried while missing him but I shared this with no one. Cried is one of the way to let everything out. So that I can smile like nothing bothered me at all. Keep being patience and believe is one of the hardest things for me to do because I’m believing something that I’m not sure what will exactly happen. I’m still waiting for him, just like how I did before. Honestly, I do feel down, he’s ustaz to be while I’m nothing compare to him. Of course he will chooce the best one, and of course that person is not me. But I somehow keep praying for us. So, am I doing the right thing?

– sis runsing


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