I, The Heartbreaker

I’ve been pondering on whether or not to write about it – whether it will bring more bad or good. But I’ve decided that I need to write this – I need the world to know. I need the world, to not do the same mistakes that I had, and to not leave scars in places that I had.

I guess I should start by saying that I first started having a boyfriend (virtual ones don’t count) at the age of 14. It was a pretty serious relationship (serious, considering the age). Everyone knew about us – we didn’t exactly make it a top CIA secret or anything. We were even called the ‘It’ couple of our batch. But of course, it ended with a heartbreak when I was 16. He dumped me, and since then I saw him as nothing but a heartbreaker.

But thing is, whenever I write about these things – I’ll always see myself as the victim, and whoever else is on the other side of the line, as the guilty one. Padahal this ex of mine, never once cheated on me (or as far as I’d known) and he let me off easy – he asked for a break-up in a polite and respectable manner.

And then of course, the ‘Jacob’ came, one day after I broke up. And this Jacob, particularly, is the one I want to write about. He was the rebound guy. I’d admit that. He was, indeed, that. And then he fell in love with me, and I didn’t know what to do. So I told myself I was in love with him too. Maybe I was, I don’t know. But that depends on your definition of love.

Up til this year, it’s been six years that he’s been waiting for me. The wait has ended, because I’ve found the guy I really want to marry, inshaAllah. A different guy. It was heartbreaking when I broke the news to my ex-boyfriend, really. Not just for him, but for me as well. But when you have a certain vision and aim in life and you find someone who shares the same vision and aim as you.. Well, you just know you’ve found the one. This is of course, after much istikharah and istisyarah. And I’m sure now that inshaAllah he is the one, and he’d understand the person that I am, and would help be me the person I’d want to be.

I’ve yet to marry this guy, but I am engaged. Of course, anything can happen from now up til the wedding day. But the point is – I’ve made another guy wait for me for six whole years, giving him the hope that I might be the one he’ll share his life with, the one who bears his children, and the one who’ll be by his side throughout his whole life, in this dunya and after that.

But by the way things are looking,
it’s not going to be me.

Of course I’ll need to point out that I’ve explicitly asked for a break up about 3 years after we started the relationship, and continuously persisted on it. But he’d always kept a safe distance – not too far away though. And I’ve always had that kesian side of me, like I can’t not reply to him after a while. I always thought of myself to not be in a relationship – but I won’t deny that perhaps I wasn’t strict enough with him, or with myself, to make it clear that it was over. So he continued to wait for me.

The worst thing is, he wasn’t the only one waiting. There were two other guys, who waited for at least 3 years for me.

I hated myself for this.
And I still do.

I’ve broken hearts, and they might still be bleeding.
The wound is still fresh.

And it all happened because, not just by my having a boyfriend,
but even after I told myself that I won’t be in anymore relationships,
I still left hope – because, tak jaga ikhtilat.

And that’s the main point of it.

I’m sure everything that’s happened has been decreed, and I am who I am now due to the mistakes I’ve done, but they are mistakes nonetheless.

By really taking care of ikhtilat – we leave no hope to bloom in innocent hearts, hearts that only sincerely hope for the best.
Hearts that by right, should only be leaving hopes in Allah.
But by not taking care of it –
well you see what happened.
Hearts will break,
and the worst thing is,
there’s nothing you can really do about it,
but pray for the best.

I’d normally tell people to not get in a relationship to avoid a heart break. But this time I’ll tell people to stay away from relationships (non-halal ones) to avoid breaking people’s hearts.

It’s one thing to have your heart broken,
It’s another to break people’s hearts.

When your own heart gets broken, you deal with it.
You find ways to heal yourself.
When other hearts get broken because of you,
What do you do?
Leave it to Allah, and hope that they’ll forgive you.

So let’s not do that.
Not to ourselves,
not to others,
but most importantly,
not to Allah.

Allahualam.

– The Remorseful One

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