Skinny as skeleton

I remember when I was in form 1, an aunty who is very close to my mum said, “wow you gained weight pretty much.”

My weight was 40kg back then and 37kg when I was in standard 6.

Yeap, life goes on, when I was form 3, my cousin said the same, only, she said I was fatter than years ago.

From 40 to 41, I just gained 1 kilo. Didnt think 1 kilo could get so obvious.

Again, continuing my life I was told once more in form 4, that I became thicker. Well, 45kg was my weight that time.

After SPM I remember, it was Aidilfitri, where we dress so nicely yet not for me, I cannot fit my body into my Baju Kurung. It was such a shame. It was the ugliest Hari Raya I’ve been through, with cousins and relatives laugh at my body. With my grandma who constantly spewed unfiltered thoughts of how ugly my body was, made fun of my fats.

Looking back, my weight that time was only 51kg.

I felt like a fat ugly betty.

But yeah, past is past tho.

Now comes the worst part, here I am looking at my past albums, feeling insecure.

Insecure with my oldself.

I was as skinny as skeleton in those pictures no matter how candid it was, yet here I am comparing to ‘her’, the current flabby me.

My whole body is a disaster.

I cannot understand how can people say I was fat years ago comparing to this body I’m in now, I’m obese!

Can’t even hide them in black. I used to wear black to cover my chubbiness, well, now, it’s obvious no matter how dark my clothes are.

I hate my pot belly.
I hate my cheek fats.
I hate my double chin.
My upperbody thickness.
My huge butt.

Everything.

My weight is currently 70kg.

Of course. I eat western food for daily basis. Constantly crunching snacks… No attempt to exercise and such. Wow. All those laziness and ignorance is a contributing factor to who I am now.

I love myself.
I dont hate me.
I just hate my body.

When I saw my weight scales days ago, the goosebumps hit me hard. I want to change but it’s super difficult. I struggle myself up to go cycle. To jog, to do squats. The most extreme exercise I did recently was jog for 8 rounds and fast walking for 12 minutes. I cannot go longer, it suffocates my breathing.

This exercise’s been a week now. It saddens me when I just lost 0.5 kilo… I thought I could lost at least 1 kilo…. :(

I think it’s cause my fat has been inside my body for years that it’s super hard to get rid of it now. Haha.

Anyway I just wanna ask u guys…

I failed on atkins. Many times.

Trust me I did try many type of diet since SPM but it only reach failure.

I tried vegetarian diet back then, it does help. But I have issues on cravings and food temptation that most of the time my diet cancelled halfway through.

I seriously want to slim down. I realize my body type is naturally curvy, not slender (according to how I look when I was really skinny, I still got shape on my butt and hips).

But can I change that? I really want to have a body like Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrioso or Kendall Jenner (yes I’m a fan of runway here!)

Can you suggest me any diet (not atkins) that could give best results?

Like, what should I have for breakfast? What’s for lunch and stuff like that.

And sorry if my english is not that good, somehow I feel comfortable to confess in english, tho.

So, please drop your thoughts, diet suggestions or advises regarding this on the comment section, okay?

Really in a dire need of help here.

Thanks guys.

– fiqoh

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